The Stages of Canine Pregnacy (joke)
Canine pregnancy lasts nine weeks and then you have approximately 8
weeks of rearing to do. I have identified and defined the several stages
we go through in this process:
Week one: Was he the right one? Typified by agonizing over whether you
chose the right stud.
Week two: Was she fertile? Indicated by mildly threatening thoughts
directed at your bitch and concern about wasted $$$.
Week three: Oh lord, we missed her...stupid sterile stud dog.
Week four: You schedule a vet visit for a sonogram and wake up the
morning of the planned test to discover she looks like she ate a
Week five: Not enough food in the world to feed this bitch....
Week six: Oh lord she's lost some babies...when really she has just
moved them around a bit and now she is hanging down more than spread out like a watermelon.
Week seven: Dreams of glory featuring puppies with the best parts of
Week eight: Nightmares of disaster featuring puppies that look like the
Week nine: Maximum guilt...how could you do this to this sweet little
girl, she can't eat or sleep and neither can you.
Stage One labor: Now, is it now? No she is just rehearsing AND she has
picked out one fake place for puppies, one real place and just rolls her
eyes at the lovely new whelping facility you built for her.
Stage Two: Well the fake place (the closet) has been passed up for the
bushes in the front yard and you cannot convince her that her humongous
butt is clearly visible to all passers-by...her head is hidden, she thinks she is in a den and to h*** with you, you have no idea what you are doing. Your job is to get her into the whelping box without stressing this delicate little dog mom to be or calling in the crane or forklift.
Actual delivery of babies: Time is not on your side...it races, then crawls, races then crawls. Do you call the vet, do you wait. You have lighter moments ...the bitch trying to crawl into the laundry basket with the babies.
Puppies Day one: Hubby comes in to view the litter, points at one and
says "Wow is he cute". He is half the size of the other babies.
Week One: Looking for heads in all the wrong places...now you KNOW
better than to look for heads when they have smushed up muzzles from
Weeks Two and Three: You do their stress activities, monitor weights
and every day hubby comes in to check on his boy...yes he is cute...
fast, too. Easy to be fast when you are long as a freight train with long legs to match. You've picked out the best rears and tails from watching them nurse.
During week three you discuss devotion to motherhood with your bitch
when she announces the darn things have sharp teeth.
Week Four and Five: They really are cute and you are caught thinking
they are cute, because they are now on solid food and you are fast running out of clean paper. Hubby plays with his boy child and begs you to stack him up and tell him what you think ... you develop really good diversionary strategies.
Week six: You are starting serious evaluation and start taking pictures
...you notice while doing the photographs that hubby's pick is now the
same size as his littermates. The litter looks really good...aren't you
glad you got that generic sperm and they all look like your bitch, who
is perfect in every way
Week seven: While analyzing the photos you keep coming back to one
striking male who is very balanced and very proportioned...this cannot
be happening. Could this be the "little " male your hubby liked.. THAT
Week eight: The puppy party where all your friends and some of your
enemies come over to pick your little darlings apart in great detail and
make rude remarks about the faults that nasty stud produced. Their decision is unanimous ... pick of the litter is a strong handsome boy
who trots wonderfully, comes when called and thinks your hubby hung the